Thoughts and Vents.

Here in mexico being a solo game dev is very lonely and no one considers it a job at all. You had to see my face when the president rant about how bad videogames are while i just  made a cup of coffe, i almost made a mess, i tought he was going to ban videogames right there but was just my silly imagination, he was just feed up with the usual media against videogames in general.

I have learned to get used to this profession and starting to believe in myself more, but the faith I have in people kinda diminish at the same time due the isolation that it generates. At this point  is probably a financial suicide, but i still do it because the work needs to be done regarding my feelings. To be honest, the bigger reason is a powerful feeling and an endeavour towards the game itself; not towards my being or as an accomplishment, neither for the money, or so much due the art, but for the conceptual world of the videogame, the characters the lore, etc... Is like they are almost real to me, like in somewhere far away there is this adventure happening or something similar (that is why my stories tend to be light hearted most of the times, i feel responsible for their happiness and wellbeing.) Since i was a kid, always wanted to travel to a new world no one has seen before and this is the closest i can get to that.

Well, maybe it is also for art too, the music keeps me alive, and that i usually give free to the good people, and the programing challenges and so fort. 

When seeing the game alive after all the work is done, as a solo game developer, can feel my own life being embedded into it. At the same time it took a little bit of my soul somehow, and i feel a part of me fading away... Becoming more emotionally numb, but seeing the "world" alive is very cool.

There is also that happiness when someone plays the game and enjoys it, reflecting the hard work done in a way.

And there is also that artistic glory when a mechanic or an audiovisual scene plays out so well that it feels it is at the level of other famous and skilled game studios. Like, wow am i really there?

It is mind blowing when people think there are more than 1 person on the project, but at the end of the day it is about if the game is good or not for them, it is strange sometimes. Is like i wanted them to be considerate but at the same time i don't want them to diminish their expectations, is really difficult to express...

Well, there seems that there is actually a lot of reasons haha. Seriously, not sure what i will end up doing when the red numbers hit me hard, is this my last videogame? Is this one the end? No idea of what is going to happen. Having a degree is useless, well at least mine is; don't know what would have happened if i had found my game dev vocation as early as when was 16 years old...

This monologue is like too personal to put on the blog, however, maybe no one is gona to read it, and i need to keep track on my thoughts somehow, so it is ok i guess. 

In the case someone is actually reading this, thanks for reading. Lets hope for the best.